beauty in contentment

Today I've been thinking about contentment.

I remember one day when I was getting ready to move off to Seattle for school my mother said to me, "I don't think you'd be happy no matter where you were."

At the time the statement (which I'm sure was made in reaction to some emotionally charged comment I made or was said in the pain of her last child leaving home) felt very hurtful. Unfortunately, today as I was thinking about my own tendencies to not "count my blessings", or my frequent feelings of worry and stress I realized that she may have been right. Is this the human condition?? The inability to hold oneself together and really appreciate all we have? I know that I spend a lot of my time and energy trying to feel positive for friends and family because often they have a hard time harnessing that for themselves. I also have a hard time maintaning a healthy respect for just how wonderful my life is. But this last year or so something's been floating around in my brain that was put there years ago--something that my Grandma said, "You just have to wake up and decide that you're gonna be happy. Not everyday is gonna smell like roses.". Now maybe it shouldn't be hard to see how a kid like me, who really did have a rough time of it in so many ways just heard that statement in bitterness, but roughly 16 years later it's starting to seem like that attitude should really just be second nature. (i'm not there yet!)

Not every day is gonna "smell like roses," or creosote after a good storm if you're a desert dweller, but maybe you and I should pick a little bit of the metaphorical flower and rub it between our fingers and bring out the smell ourselves. Maybe reminding ourselves, counting our blessings, is exactly what we have to do. At 8 when my grandma said that to me I dreamed of so many things, big aspirations; now my biggest aspiration is to become an elegant and contented woman content in love and life, but unwilling to rest until all those around her can feel as contented as she. I feel like having that aspiration is a wonderful blessing in itself. so count: 1.

AND here's a little mixed media of counted blessings in no particular order and perhaps a little abstracted:

I feel my bones. They are small and concentrated within my body, making up a frame that only I am privy to. The delicacy of my own constitution starts here—erect in a strait back and long neck—the features of something elegant, smooth as pearl or bone.

There is a picture of me on the eastern coast with my mother, my four year old body crouched close to the sand. We are looking for the skeletons of dead sea creatures, the shells that were their homes. My baby suit hugs my body tightly, slippery, salty-wet. It moves with me and my little girl eagerness. I remember the freedom of my bones then. They were not so hidden. In that picture you can see my small shoulder blades pointing out to openness as I lean to point to something in the sand. My ribs line my core, openly protecting the vitality of youth, life. From such a picture a mother might gawk at the potential of such a child. Long legs, smooth elongated lines. I might do the same or feel regret. But I still know those bones. I still feel their fine construction and careful movements. These days they rarely reveal themselves. They coil and compress. But I still see myself stretching and contracting wryly, elegant in the freedom of movement.

just to name a few...

peace and love-christine

Storm watch

So lightning struck the city of Phoenix 6,500 times in one hour last night. Now, that's the kind of storm that I was missing while I lived up in Seattle. The kind of storm that grabs you by the lapels and demands that you sit down and respect it for a little while. It's very easy to get comfortable with our SUV and latte existence and every once in a while it is exceedingly refreshing to have your day to day, neat and tidy little life shaken up by something so massive and primal and wondrous and scary - and it to get it in your own home to boot! Usually for that kind of experience you need a roadtrip or a good hike or to travel to a different country, but when nature brings it's A-game directly to your living room you have an immense sense of perspective forced on you. We are not so different from our ancestors who believed that God was in the storm. We are not so far from our dependence on capricious weather cycles to prevent us from flood or famine. We with our gizmos and trinkets have not in fact advanced humanity in any particularly meaningful way. It is only blinding arrogance that prevents us from being moved by compassion to action to improve the lot of our fellow man, who have not even the security of our meager defences.
While may have learned to make our small crafts more stable, we still have no control over the waves that rock our lives. And it doesn't actually matter how protected the individual is, beacuse the only true measure of security we have is provided by lashing ourselves to one another and being committed to each other's wellbeing. Knowledge and technology and luxuries be damned, humanity's greatest asset is still humanity.

-Ian

Life, Love, and the pursuit of growing up.

Hello all, just a quick note before I finish packing for our four day trip to Seattle and then find the peace to settle down and sleep for a few hours before we catch a jet plane to cooler weather.

Things are panning out. We're finding ourselves penny-picking-poor but there is hope. And I've been more destitute; I'm sure. But our finances are not what have been on my mind lately (thank god for a time in my life where financial stress doesn't steal my sleep!). I've been mulling over, and stressing about, and talking about growing up lately.

It's a new and fabulous thing, living with Ian's folks. They're amazing people who have such wonderful stories and ideas and dreams and opinions, and listening to all of theirs challenges all of mine. Everything from politics, gardening, family, community, personal growth, pacifism--have popped up and I'm starting to realize that all of those loud opinions I formed before, during, and after college were so often based on the need to have an opinion. Does that make sense? "I'm a pacifist!" is much easier to say than to think and wonder and ponder weather or not pacifism is the right answer--or even a possible answer at all. And just to add a disclaimer to that--I have no idea! Isn't that wonderful and awful all at once? The point is I thought about them, but just long enough to convince myself that I had. I never realized how much time and energy--emotional energy it takes to really consider these huge life problems. And I have to tell you friends, thinking about these things is hard work. If you know me well at all you will know that I'm a huge fan of people thinking before they believe--researching, reading, challenging and i have tried to do this. But something I never took into account is experience, probably because none of these big life issues had ever been challenged until recently. It's a hard lesson to learn when you find yourself desperately wanting something that you were sure you found and believed to be morally wrong. "Who am" you ask yourself--and those around you, who love you ask the same--"Who are you?". But something I have pledged to myself is to watch and learn and let life cut away at me, and to allow myself (in spite of my self) to find my soul and mind as beautiful and friendly. Intentionality is necessary, but realizing that as we form opinions there must be much room left for real life to happen. Books are not always enough. Love and life get in the way.

I'm currently living off of the high that Ian and I will challenge each other and grow. And I think that love might just be embracing that in each other--watching each other form opinions and reform opinions.


-Christine

Getting behind, Coming around

We have been here, in AZ, since July 16th. It's been a while since I've written so there's lots of updating to do. We've made some changes in our master plan. (changes seem to come around every few days :)).
Ian and I are both working. He's gone back to Outback steakhouse where he worked prior to moving to Seattle, and I got a job at the Starbucks up the street (perhaps not the evil empire after all? At least not from an employee's perspective. They treat their staff amazingly well) but only half time as I'll be starting school soon.
Originally the plan was to work with Americorps, and I had some interviews lined up, but as Ian and I drove the 30 some hours from Seattle to Mesa we decided that perhaps it would be better to go ahead and start with the nursing program at MCC so that life could get on it's way (diagram that sentence ;)). As much as I would really love to work with Americorps (there are some invaluable opportunities out there!) at my core I want to get into school, learn how to help people in a lasting way that I can turn into a vocation. After I'm through the 2 year program (that will probably take more like 3 years because of pre-recs and waiting lists) I will work full time so Ian can have his turn at school.
For now, though, I start school on August 26th with the first Math class I've taken in some time as well as a Biology refresher. It will be interesting to go from being a creative writing major to dissecting a cat.

{For many of you who do not know and are still startled to hear that I am going into nursing--I wanted to be either a nurse or a pediatrician since I was 6 or 7 and got thrown off by a chemistry class in high school, it took me this long to climb back on that horse. I pursued creative writing and literature as a BA and still write as often as I can face the big bad blank white paper/screen. Depending on when you knew me best I contemplated teaching but in the end couldn't face the education system, thought about counseling but it felt too passive and though I firmly believe in psychological therapy, I need a career where I move around and where I can see both
emotional and physical results. So. back to square one and it really feels good.}

As far as our Burundi trip coming up summer 2009, there have been a few changes made. The "away team" has gone and come back to scout out Carama (the region of Burundi we are trying to aid) if you go here you can read the very engaging journal posts by our brilliant and indefatigable program director, Brock. Start from the bottom of the page and work your way up. It sounds like they had a very productive trip. I had a phone conference with the crew last week and there will be a GCJ picnic and meeting when we are in Seattle: August 20th-24th. I'll be able to post more concretely about the project then, but it looks like our water project is changing into an agriculture project. And as always if you go to the GCJ website you can donate to help Ian and myself get to burundi. any money at all is useful. More to come!

-Christine